Should I Stay or Should I Go? Understanding What Keeps Us Stuck
Do I stay, or do I go? This is probably one of the most difficult questions we can ask ourselves when we're in a relationship. It's also a question I often hear in my work as a psychologist and couples therapist. When people come to therapy with this dilemma, the first thing they often want is an answer. They want advice. They want someone to tell them what to do because they feel stuck, exhausted, and sometimes even suffocated by the relationship.
And I understand that feeling. I've been there myself, and I know how incredibly difficult it is to live with that uncertainty. One moment, you think you know what you want, and the next day, or even an hour later, you change your mind.
You start questioning everything again. Am I making the right decision? What if I regret it? What if things get better?
What makes it so difficult is that you're not just thinking about leaving a person. You're thinking about changing a life you've known for years. Your routines, your memories, your family, your plans for the future. Even when you're unhappy, there is comfort in what is familiar. The unknown can be frightening.
Are You Looking for Advice or Permission?
Something I've noticed in therapy is that when people ask, “What should I do?” sometimes what they're really looking for is permission. Permission to feel what they're feeling. Permission to acknowledge that they're unhappy. Permission to recognize that their needs matter, too. We often look to others to validate our feelings because we’re afraid to confront the answers we might find within ourselves. And so begins the constant back-and-forth between what we feel, what we fear, and what we hope for.
One day, you feel ready to leave. The next day, your partner does something kind, you remember the good moments, and suddenly you're not so sure anymore. This is normal when you're emotionally invested in a relationship.
You can love someone and still be unhappy. You can want to leave and still be afraid of losing them.
Both feelings can exist at the same time. I often remind people that my role as a therapist isn't to make that decision for them. It's to help them understand what they're feeling, what they need, and what might be keeping them stuck.
What Is Your Heart Telling You? And What About Your Gut?
I think this is an important part of the reflection.
Your heart may be holding on to the love, the memories, the connection you once had, and the hope that things will get better. But your gut may be telling you that something isn't right. Maybe you've been unhappy for a long time. Maybe you've tried to communicate your needs, but nothing seems to change. And then your mind comes in with all the practical questions.
What about the children? The finances? The family? What will people think?
Culture, religion, and the values we grew up with can also play a big role. In some families or communities, separation is still seen as unacceptable. The guilt of disappointing others can become another reason to stay. All these voices can make it difficult to recognize what you actually want. And I think it's important to ask ourselves whether what we're feeling is coming from love, fear, guilt, or a combination of all three.
Our gut feelings deserve attention, but they aren't always the whole answer. Sometimes fear and past experiences can influence them, too.
Sometimes We Hold On to Hope
I think hope is one of the biggest reasons people stay. We hope things will change. We hope our partner will change. We hope we'll find our way back to what we once had. And there is nothing wrong with hope. But sometimes we become so attached to what the relationship could be that we stop looking at what it actually is. Other times, we avoid making a decision because we don't want to deal with everything that comes afterward. The difficult conversations. The changes. The uncertainty of starting over. So we tell ourselves: Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe I'll wait a little longer. And sometimes, waiting becomes a way of avoiding what we’re afraid to face, until that avoidance gradually disconnects us from our emotions, our capacity for empathy, our sense of being alive, and ultimately, from ourselves.
A Few Questions Worth Asking Yourself
If you're in this situation, I invite you to take some time to reflect.
Am I unhappy with my partner, or with the way our relationship has become?
What am I holding on to: the relationship I have today or the one I hope it will become?
What am I most afraid of if I leave?
What would need to change for me to genuinely want to stay?
If nothing changed in the next year, how would I feel?
You don't need to have all the answers right away. The purpose of these questions isn't to convince yourself to stay or leave, but to better understand what you're experiencing.
Finding Your Own Answer
I don't believe there is one right answer that applies to everyone. Every relationship is different. Every person brings their own history, values, fears, and hopes. What I do believe is that sometimes we become so overwhelmed by the urgency to make a decision that we lose touch with ourselves. And perhaps that's where we need to begin. Not by asking someone else to tell us what to do, but by giving ourselves permission to acknowledge what we feel, what we need, and what we're afraid of. Of course, when a relationship involves abuse, intimidation, or coercion, safety needs to come first. For those struggling with uncertainty, therapy can provide a space to explore these feelings without judgment or pressure.
I've experienced how difficult this question can be, and I've also accompanied people through it in my clinical work. If there is one thing I'd like you to take away, it's this: You don't always need to rush toward an answer. Sometimes, you first need to understand what's making the question so difficult. And perhaps, through that understanding, you can begin to find your own way forward.
At The Circle of Wellness Montreal, we offer individual and couples therapy to help people navigate relationship difficulties, uncertainty, and life transitions.
Psychologist & Clinical Director
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