Stuck in Blame and Defensiveness Cycle ? A Couples Therapist’s Perspective.
Do you and your partner keep having the same argument, even when you are trying to explain yourselves differently?
In my work with couples in Montreal, I often see how blame and defensiveness in relationships can leave both partners feeling unheard. Each person wants to be understood, yet their conversations leave them feeling more alone.
When this happens in a session, I slow the conversation down. I want to understand what each person is feeling, what they are trying to communicate, what they need, and how their responses are keeping them disconnected.
What does a blame and defensiveness cycle look like?
One partner raises a concern. The other hears criticism and begins explaining or defending their actions. The first partner feels unheard and pushes harder. The second becomes more defensive or withdraws. For example, a conversation might sound like this:
“You never make time for us.”
“That’s not fair. I’ve been working all week.”
“You always have an excuse.”
“Nothing I do is ever enough.”
This is an illustrative example, but the feelings beneath it are familiar in my work: loneliness, frustration, hurt, and a sense of being unappreciated.
By the end of the exchange, neither person has communicated what they most want their partner to understand. Instead, they become caught in a painful cycle that leaves them feeling further apart.
What I listen for beneath the argument?
When I hear criticism or defensiveness, I try to understand the emotions and needs underneath.
One person may be longing to feel supported, valued, or emotionally close. The other may feel that they are disappointing their partner despite their efforts.
I help partners explore questions such as:
- What felt painful in that moment?
- What did you hear your partner saying about you?
- What were you hoping they would understand?
- What did you need but find difficult to ask for?
These conversations can help put words to attachment needs and fears: the wish to feel important, accepted, and connected, alongside the fear of being rejected or not being enough. Understanding these feelings does not excuse hurtful behaviour. It helps us recognize what needs attention.
How couples therapy helps address blame and defensiveness?
When I notice a cycle unfolding in a session, I pause the conversation and help the couple trace what happened.
We look at what one partner said, how the other understood it, what feelings came up, and how each person responded. Some people initially explain why their reaction was justified. Others pause and begin to recognize something familiar. Both responses give us a place to begin. My aim is to make room for each person’s experience while helping them see the impact of their actions. Feeling hurt and taking responsibility for how we respond can exist together.
How long does it take to improve communication in a relationship?
Sometimes, when a partner expresses a deeper feeling, the other person softens. At other times, they respond with anger, doubt, or hesitation.
I have seen how difficult it can be to receive vulnerability when hurt has accumulated over time. A partner may hear something they have wanted to hear for years and still feel unsure whether it is safe to trust it. I try to acknowledge that hurt without rushing either person toward forgiveness or closeness.
Couples often ask me, “How many sessions will it take for us to communicate better and feel closer?” It is difficult to give a fixed answer. Each couple brings a different history, level of distress, and set of circumstances. In my experience, some couples begin to notice changes over three to six months: fewer escalating arguments, more openness, and a greater ability to talk things through. This is an observation from my practice, rather than a timeline every couple should expect. Some notice shifts sooner; others need longer.
What happens between sessions matters, too: making time to check in, practicing different responses, and showing care through small, consistent gestures. Progress also depends on the difficulties a couple is facing and each partner’s willingness and ability to participate. An honest conversation can matter, but rebuilding trust also involves what happens afterward. Partners need space to consider what meaningful change would look like in their daily lives.
Reflection between couples therapy sessions
I encourage partners to reflect on their own needs and responses outside our sessions. A useful starting point is to think about one recent disagreement:
What was I feeling before I reacted?
Try to name the feeling beneath the frustration, such as loneliness, disappointment, or fear.
What did I want my partner to understand?
Consider the message you hoped to communicate and whether your words expressed it.
How did my response affect the conversation?
Notice whether you became critical, defensive, silent, or more insistent.
These questions are invitations to understand your own experience and choices. Each partner remains responsible for their behaviour.
Books I recommend to support further reflection
My approach to couples therapy is integrative, drawing on Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Gottman approach while adapting to each couple’s needs. Depending on the couple, I may recommend books to support reflection between sessions, including:
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg
Finding room for hope
One of the things I try to offer in couples therapy is a space where both people can feel heard. Through thoughtful questions, I encourage partners to look more closely at their own experiences and consider what their partner may be feeling.
My goal is to support empathy and accountability: understanding each other’s pain, acknowledging the hurt their actions have caused, and considering what they can do differently. I see how recurring patterns can gradually erode connection. I also see moments when partners begin to hear something they had struggled to understand before.
Hope may begin with a small shift: pausing before reacting, expressing a need more clearly, or acknowledging how a response has hurt the other person. These moments do not resolve everything. They can create room to explore what each partner needs and what they are willing to work toward. This discussion concerns recurring relationship conflict. Experiences involving fear, coercion, or violence require a different assessment; responsibility for abusive behaviour belongs to the person using it.
Couples therapy in Montreal and online across Quebec
At The Circle of Wellness Montreal, we support couples experiencing recurring conflict, communication difficulties, and emotional disconnection. Appointments are available in person in Montreal and online across Quebec. You can explore our clinicians’ approaches, languages, and fees to find a suitable fit.
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